


jeff goldblum's shiny metal gun

by rockygetsrolling



Series: the bizarre and beautiful life of james w. gordon [8]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Halloween, Jurassic Park References, Memes, Social Media, The Kids Had A Day Off And Dragged Jim Into This Misadventure, kids being kids, monster hunting, shoutout to jersey for her help with the devil's inspo, there is some mild gore but it's not human and it's only there for like two seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 06:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21249275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rockygetsrolling/pseuds/rockygetsrolling
Summary: Jason, Tim, and Stephanie rope Jim into taking them to the New Jersey Pine Barrens to find the Jersey Devil. It goes about as well as you could expect.OR: Jason Todd's private Snapchat story when he and his squad decide to go full Buzzfeed Unsloved.





	jeff goldblum's shiny metal gun

** _Jason Todd’s Snapchat: _ ** ** _@jxsontoddlivesxgxin_ **

** _Jason Todd’s Private Snapchat Story: _ ** ** _the realm of the undead_ **

The camera opens to Jason Todd’s seventeen chins, with Stephanie Brown’s face peering over his shoulder. They both look sleep-deprived, and Stephanie’s hair is in a wild messy bun. Jason’s lip is split and he seems bothered by it; he keeps sucking on it and reopening it. The video is captioned  _ [it’s real chaos entity hours] _ .

“Good evening, gamers,” Jason says, as Stephanie gives a mock salute. Jason raises the camera; the seventeen chins vanish. “We have a weekend off, so what stupid shit should we get up to with Tim? Check my Twitter to vote.”

“Vote or get fucked,” Stephanie says. 

“Ye ye,” Jason concurs. 

===

_ [uwu] _

Stephanie is spread out on a leather couch in a way that should not be humanly possible, already flipping off the camera. It’s later in the day--her hair is wet from a shower, and there’s Chinese food spread out on the coffee table.

“Stop,” she says. 

“No,” Jason says behind the camera.

“You’re both pussies”--the camera pans to the kitchen entry of Jason’s apartment, where Tim is standing in the doorway in Nightwing sweatpants and a Superman T-shirt. He looks worse off than Jason and Stephanie combined; the bags under his eyes are massive, and his hair is greasy and pulled back into quite a few very messy braids. 

“No, you,” Stephanie says.

“Fuck you,” Tim shoots back; the camera zooms in sharply on his face as he turns to look at it. “Fuck you too,” he says blandly, and Jason barks a laugh as the camera blurs.

===

_ [verdict time!] _

“Aight, hoes,” Jason says to the camera; beside him, Tim is halfway through stuffing a forkful of lo mein into his mouth. “I gave y’all enough time to vote. The final verdict is that we’re going to the Pine Barrens to find the motherfucking Jersey Devil.”

“He really ith a motherfuger,” Tim says, mouth full of noodles, “because he’th obviouthly your dad.”

“Shut the fuck up, Tim, my dad is Batman.”

===

_ [get the fuck out of here w your technicalities] _

“Technically everyone who’s ever had sex with a woman who then gave birth to their child is a motherfucker.”   
  


“I  _ SAID  _ SHUT THE FUCK UP,  _ TIM _ .”

From off-camera, Stephanie starts cackling. 

===

_ [shalom] _

Stephanie’s phone is on the coffee table, open to a call screen. The contact reads “Vodka Mom.” The ringer is on speaker.

“She’s not gonna answer--” Tim says off-camera, just as the call connects.

“Shalom?” Kate says.

“Bonjour,” Stephanie says. “I have a proposition.”

“Oh, God.”

“God can’t save us from this,” Tim says.

“Shut up, homo,” Kate says from the phone.

“Says the lesbian.”

“Shut up, homo.”

===

_ [perhaps] _

“--as much as I want to go, I can’t,” Kate says as Jason slowly zooms in on the phone screen. “Mags and I have a weekend getaway thing that we’ve been planning for a while and as much as I love you guys, I’m not cancelling this to go hunt down a cryptid.”

“No, no, we understand,” Stephanie says as Jason snaps the camera up to her nose and part of her right eye. “Go have fun with your wife. We’ll send you pictures--”

“Fuck pictures, send me the carcass.”

“You can’t kill God or the Devil,” Tim says off-camera.

“You can if you’re dedicated enough.”

===

_ [we goin] _

Stephanie and Tim’s backs are walking towards a car parked on a pothole-covered street. It’s just before nightfall completely takes over. The camera bobs to the time of Jason’s lengthy stride.

“Y’all, where we goin’?” Jason asks their backs.

“We goin’ to Jim’s house,” Tim says over his shoulder.

“Why we goin’ to Jim’s house?”   
  


“To ask him to come with us to hunt down the Jersey Devil!” Stephanie yells, throwing a fist in the air.

“HELL YEAH!” Jason yells.

“HELL YEAH!” Tim yells.

===

Jason is filming from the passenger seat; Stephanie is driving. The radio is blaring Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts,” and Stephanie is belting out along to the words. 

“...get you outta my hair! Fresh photos with the bomb lighting, new man on the Minnesota Vikings…!”

The camera flips, and Jason’s left half of his face vanishes as he zooms in on Tim’s face, just barely visible through his tauntly-pulled hood and his enormous clout goggles. It doesn’t help that it’s almost completely dark out now. He’s spread out in the backseat with the seat belt thrown haphazardly across his chest. He catches the camera and gives a peace sign as Stephanie starts to belt the next verse.

===

_ [the big reveal] _

Tim is still spread out and with the hood pulled tight, but now he’s on a sofa of an ugly greenish brown color. Stephanie is also sitting on Tim’s stomach; Lizzo is blaring from somewhere in the house and Stephanie is bopping out. She’s bouncing to the beat, doing a little shimmy with her tongue out and giggling almost hysterically. Tim lies inert and emotionless.

“What did you guys say you were planning to do?” The camera pans up to Jim, who’s standing in the doorway in a pair of ripped jeans, a Wonder Woman sweatshirt, and bright red ankle socks. He also has a massive shiner, and there’s a few cuts on his lower cheek. His hair is messy, but the bags under his eyes are lighter than usual.

“We’re gonna find the Jersey Devil,” Tim says, voice completely void of any expression.

“Why?”

  
  
“Why not?”

“I don’t like that answer.”

===

_ [o o f] _

“Why would I go to the Pine Barrens on my weekend off?”

  
  
“Because you love us?”

“Yeah, not good enough, try again.”

===

_ [o o f part 2] _

“Jim, if you do it, I’ll pay off your college debt,” Tim says.

“I went to West Point.”

“Yeah we get it, Ivy League and all that shit. If you go I’ll pay off your college debt.”

“I mean, if you want all my long-term medical issues and PTSD that came from serving in the Marines to make up for it, be my guest.”

“That’s a big oof,” Stephanie says. “Can we get an F in the chat?”

“F,” Tim says. 

“F,” Jason says behind the camera.

“Can I press F for myself?” Jim asks, who is still in the doorway. 

“No,” Jason says.

“I’m doing it anyway.” Jim peers off to middle distance and loudly shouts, “Fuck!” The camera shakes as all three kids burst into hysterics. 

===

_ [bruce is his sugar daddy] _

“Jimmmmmmmmm,” Jason groans. The camera is sideways now, and Jim is in his armchair, peering at a book silently. “Jim, come on, man.”

“No.”

“Why not? Sarah is in fuckin’ Philly visiting her family, everyone is out of town. Even your boy toy is gone for the weekend.”

“Watch what you say about your fucking father.”

Jason’s camera flashes to Tim, who has his face buried in a pillow and starts to scream.

===

_ [✨ truth hurts ✨] _

“My dad is not your boy toy.”

“Yeah, we all know that Dev is his real boy toy,” Stephanie says.

“Do not fucking slander my aroace doctor brother or I will slaughter your bloodline,” Jim says without looking up from his book.

“All of our bloodlines are dead,” Tim points out. His face is still buried in the pillow.

Jim looks up slowly, glares at Tim’s prone body, and inhales slowly through his nose. “ _ Listen-- _ ”

===

_ [goddamnit jimbo] _

“--not going to the fucking Pine Barrens, you’re out of your damn mind.”

“Jim, I’m literally begging you,” Stephanie says.

“Then beg.”

“Oh my God.”

===

_ [i knew he loved us!] _

“If you go,” Jason says from behind the camera; Jim’s face is wearing the dog filter. “If you go, Jimbo, I will not break into your house for a month.”

Jim looks up, and he looks at once surprised and a bit upset. “But I like it when you assholes visit.”

“Your endearing nicknames say otherwise,” Tim remarks, and yes, his face is still buried in the pillow. 

===

_ [jim gordon: cryptid conspirator] _

“--fine, I will go,” Jim groans, and he sounds exasperated.

“Seriously?!” Stephanie slaps Tim’s chest and hops to her feet, and Tim squawks in surprise. 

“Yes,” Jim groans; his head is thrown back on the crest of the armchair, and he looks positively drained. But there’s the very barest hint of a smile on his face; despite it all, he looks kind of excited about going to the middle of fucking nowhere to hunt down a creature whose existence is debatable at best. “Yes, I will leave my comfortable middle-class home in the city to help you absolute psychopaths hunt down something that definitely doesn’t exist.”

“How do you know it doesn’t exist?” Jason asks.

“Because your dad hasn’t found it and tried to recruit it.”

“Yet,” Tim says; at long last, he is no longer hidden by the pillow.

“By that logic, he would’ve found Mothman by now,” Stephanie says; Jason sharply zooms in on Jim’s face.

“Mothman exists. He just doesn’t want to be found,” Jim says seriously. The zoomed-in shape of his mustache does little to add weight to his expression.

===

_ [we leave tomorrow crack o’ dawn!] _

It’s a mirror selfie of Jason in a bathroom; one of his arms is around Jim’s shoulders, who looks less than amused but is doing the bare minimum of throwing up a peace sign. Just barely visible from the doorway is Stephanie, who is dabbing seemingly unironically.

===

_ [local young adults usurp officer’s bed: more news at eleven] _

It’s a picture of Jim standing in his bedroom doorway, looking utterly exasperated at the three hands giving him middle fingers. All of it is distastefully backlit by Jason’s camera flash.

===

_ [determination 100] _

Jim is on his stomach, sleeping--still in his jeans, as Jason’s drawn red arrows point out. Tim is on Jim’s back, his head pillowed between Jim’s shoulder blades, and Stephanie is curled up against Jim, using his arm as a teddy bear. All three of them seem to be sleeping soundly. The clock sticker Jason added reads 12:09 A.M.

===

_ [adventure time, come on grab your friends] _

Morning light streams in through the windows of the kitchen. Jason is taking a selfie of him, Tim, Stephanie, and Jim at Jim’s breakfast table, all dressed for the day, their breakfast plates stacked with pancakes. Jason and Stephanie are grinning, Tim is giving a peace sign from under his hood, and Jim has his coffee mug raised in a salute, a smirk on his face. All four of them are wearing flannel of some kind. Stephanie has her hair in space buns with alien earrings. Tim is wearing his clout goggles again. Jim is wearing what looks like a bomber jacket, and Jason’s one visible wrist is covered in bracelets.

===

_ [when your squad links up w the best music] _

Jason and Tim are in the backseat of Jim’s car, four backpacks on the middle seat. The camera pans to Jim and Stephanie in the front seats, who are both rapping Blackstreet’s “No Diggity” with ease. Jim has a hand on the steering wheel, the other out the window; Stephanie is gesturing elaborately with her whole body as she sings.

===

_ [YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH] _

The opening chords of Jet’s “Cold Hard Bitch” hum through the car. The car is sitting in traffic. Jim is doing a pretty convincing air guitar. Stephanie is laughing.

===

_ [real spooky hours] _

The Goosebumps theme song is blaring from the speakers. Tim is doing an extremely poor rendition of the Orange Justice in his seat. Stephanie is filming on her own phone. When Jason turns his phone to look at Jim, he looks unbelievably exasperated. Jason zooms in sharply just as Jim lets out an exaggerated sigh.

===

_ [country roads, take me hooooooome] _

Outside, the countryside of New Jersey whizzes by. A forest can be seen in the distance. John Denver is singing the song in the caption from the car speakers; Stephanie and Tim can be heard belting along with it.

===

_ [nosh stop @ a diner] _

Jim is sitting directly across from Jason, looking out the window with the straw of a milkshake between his lips. Tim’s reflection can just barely be seen in the window; he looks like he’s having a spaz attack. Stephanie’s left side can be seen on the edge of the frame, making kissy lips at her phone.

===

_ [WE HERE BIOTCHES] _

It’s a picture of Jason, Tim, and Stephanie, all three of them doing a Slav Squat under a huge sign that reads “Pinelands National Preserve.” All three of them also have their hands in prayer. Jim, who obviously took the picture, opted to put a sepia-toned filter over it.

===

_ [strategy time] _

“Okay, gamers, here’s our plan,” Tim says to the camera; Stephanie, Jason, and Jim can be heard squabbling good-naturedly in the background. “What we’re gonna do is we’re gonna map out our plan of attack while it’s light out, and when it gets dark we’re gonna go devil hunting. We’ll only have a few hours of dark because park rangers kick us out at, like, eight, but it should be enough.”   
  


He flips the camera to Jason, Jim, and Stephanie, who are gathered around a map and pointing out different locations. 

“Guys,” Tim says loudly. All three look up.

“What’s up?” Stephanie asks.

“Jim, can you pull some strings and make us stay for a few extra hours?”

  
  
Jim grimaces. “I’d rather not.”

  
  
“Why not?” Jason teases. “Scared of the dark?”

  
  
“I’m scared of the unfamiliar in the dark.”

“So not Bruce.”

“Pretty much.”

===

_ [gettin our steps in] _

Jason is taking up the back of the line: Jim is right in front of him, Tim in front of Jim, and Stephanie at the front. They’re not quite marching, but you can hear Jim keeping himself in time.

“Jimbo, this ain’t the Marines,” Jason says.

“Consider: I like keeping time.”

  
  
“Why?”

  
  
“It’s soothing.”

  
  
“Sure, Jan,” Tim says, and Stephanie laughs again. 

“You guys are assholes.”

“You love us,” Jason snarks.

Jim sighs and shakes his head. “Yes, unfortunately.”

===

_ [ohhhh shiiiiid] _

“--fuck is that?” Tim is saying, pointing to a tall wooden picket mounted by signs. It’s further up the trail, and only the thin white edge of the signs are visible.

“I dunno.” Jason’s camera starts to shake as he runs up.

“Jay, be careful!” Jim yells after him, just as Jason stumbles. He recovers and jogs the rest of the way up to the sign, upon which he laughs victoriously.

“Y’ALL, WE WINNIN’!”

There are three signs: the two most important are white and painted with red letters. The top one reads CAUTION, the bottom one reads HOME OF THE JERSEY DEVIL. The middle sign is an image framed in black, providing a short blurb about its history and the legendary creature itself. 

“What’s up?” Stephanie asks, then sees the signs. “Oooooooh shit.”

“Step one complete,” Tim says gleefully.

“Oh God, here we go,” Jim groans, and Jason cackles maniacally.

===

_ [i dunno who started this but we’re stuck like this now] _

“I don’t know but I’ve been told,” Stephanie yells from the back of the line.

“I don’t know but I’ve been told,” all three boys echo her.

“This path is starting to get old.”

“This path is starting to get old.”

  
  
“Sound off,” Jim yells from the front of the line.

“HOO-RAH!”

  
  
“Sound off!”

  
  
“HOO-RAH!”

===

_ [istg] _

“--ver gonna give you up, never gonna let you down,” Jim and Stephanie are singing, seemingly without any irony. They’re in step, side by side, arms around each other’s shoulders.

Jason pans to Tim, who’s walking beside him. Tim stares at the camera through his reestablished clout goggles and groans long and low.

“Same,” Jason says. 

===

_ [U H M?????] _

“What the fuck,” Jim says; Jason zooms in on what appears to be an abnormally-large chicken footprint on the gravel-dirt path before panning up to the surrounding woods.

“Señor?” he shouts into the woods.

“Jay, shut the fuck up--” Stephanie starts.

“SEÑOR?” Jason yells louder, seemingly just to spite her.

“We’re all gonna die,” Tim says.

“Fuck,” Jim mutters, “I don’t think I properly renewed my life insurance.”

“At least your mortgage is paid off,” Stephanie says, patting his shoulder comfortingly.

“Aw, fuck,” Jim says.

===

_ [MAN DOWN] _

A single still frame of Stephanie, who is unfortunately in the process of falling down an embankment. The picture is of poor quality and very blurry.

===

_ [update: she’s literally the leslie knope meme] _

This time, Steph is at the bottom of the embankment, but she looks largely unhurt and his giving Jason’s camera a huge smile and a thumbs up. There are a few twigs in her hair and she has a few dusty scratches, but besides that she looks okay.

===

_ [concerned father jim gordon] _

Yet another still frame. Stephanie is seated on a bench, Jim crouching in front of her, holding her hands in one of his with the other tilting her chin up the slightest bit, like he’s checking for bruises. They seem to be in the middle of an intense conversation--not quite an argument, more like a kind of “I’m okay” / “are you sure?” kind of exchange. Just behind them, Tim is digging through a backpack, like he’s looking for a first aid kit.

===

_ [fair] _

“You guys all have to get injured somehow now, it’s only fair,” Stephanie is saying.

“I agree,” Tim says as Jim Band-Aids her last big cut. 

“Dibs on falling over a log,” Jason calls.

“Have fun.”

===

_ [oh fuck???] _

“Y’all, that shit is abandoned,” Tim says; he’s pointing out at what looks like a ruined house or cottage, now little more than a dilapidated pile of wood and stones. In the late-afternoon sunlight, it looks more than a bit chilling.

“Y’all, that shit is  _ haunted _ ,” Stephanie declares; with the Band-Aids and scruffy hair, she looks a bit more badass than she did before.

“This is the kind of shit white people in horror movies do,” Jim says. “I say that as the only white person between us.”

“Nah, white people explore haunted places in the dark,” Jason says as he walks toward the pile. “We’re gonna be smart and explore it during daylight so we don’t get trapped.”

“That shit could fall in!” Jim yells after them.

“I’ve died before, I’ll be fine!” Jason shouts.

“Jay, NO!”

===

_ [holy fucking shit yo] _

Jason does a slow pan over the inside of the cabin: dried animal bones, scraps for fur pelts, and some very suspicious-looking dark spots on the leaves and rotting wood floor.

“Jesus fuck.”

“We’re leaving,” Jim says bluntly. “Right now.”

“Behold,” Tim says, also doing a pan-over with his phone. “The Jersey Devil’s natural habitat.”

“Ooooooooooooooh, I do  _ not _ like that,” Jim says weakly.

“Don’t insult Mothman’s datemate like this,” Stephanie says to Jim, “it’s not polite.”

Jim throws his hands up in exasperation and exits the cabin. Jason does one more sweep, then proceeds to zoom in dramatically on Tim’s face.

===

_ [when ur gf calls you in the middle of a monster hunt] _

Jim is standing a bit away from the other three, under a tree as thick as him. His phone is pressed to his ear, and he’s just close enough that Jason’s mic can catch some of his conversation with Sarah.

“...yeah, that’s where I left it last. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming home so soon...Okay, if that’s alright. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, I’ll take you out tomorrow night, there’s this diner I’ve been meaning to try--”

He looks up, sees Jason, and flips him off. Jason’s laughter blocks out whatever he was saying to Sarah, but Jay just barely catches an “I love you” before the video cuts.

===

_ [YALL WHAT THE FUCK] _

It’s a shot of a huge pair of greyish-blue,  _ batlike _ wings taking off from somewhere in the woods; the only reason it’s even remotely visible is because they’re in a clearing. Tim is in the lower left corner, facing Jason’s camera in a blurry mess; his expression can best be described as panicked.

===

_ [fgtyu lkjhgfdsa] _

“--going home!” Jim is shouting; Stephanie is lying flat on her back on the ground, her hands over her face, Tim sitting on a log, hands clasped in prayer in front of his face, a haunted look in his eyes.

“We can’t go home!” Jason yells back, zooming in on Tim’s expression before zooming out again and turning the camera to Jim. “Dude, we almost got him!”

“I am  _ not _ sticking around in a forest to possibly get eaten alive by an actual devil. No thank you. We’re going home, now. At least in Gotham I have a defense. And get that--” He growls and starts to march toward Jason. “Kindly turn that damn phone off--”

Jason shrieks and sprints away. “WE NEED IT FOR POSTERITY,” he yells. 

“YOU’RE UNBELIEVABLE,” Jim yells after him.

“NO, YOU!”

===

_ [he’s on strike lol] _

A single still frame of Jim sitting on a log, his hands over his face. The image is overlain with a sparkly filter and a sticker of a distorted dog meme, captioned JUDGEMENT in huge block letters. Jason also took the liberty to put a flower crown sticker on Jim’s head.

===

_ [jim has self-restraint, but we have stephanie] _

Jason is filming over his shoulder with the selfie setting. Stephanie and Jim are walking side-by-side, Stephanie’s arm around his shoulder best-buddy style, giving Jim a huge snarky grin. Jim looks exhausted, but there’s a small note of warmth in his expression. As they continue walking in silence, he slowly comes to rest his head on top of hers, which is leaning against his shoulder. 

“Aw,” Jason coos.

“Fuck off,” they both say together; farther up the path, Tim starts laughing.

===

A black screen with the following caption:  _ [TW FOR ANIMAL GORE ON THE NEXT SNAP, IT’S NOT THERE FOR VERY LONG BUT IT’S PRETTY GROSS SO PLEASE SKIP IT IF YOU DON’T WANNA SEE IT] _ . 

===

_ [rip rocket raccoon, the only gotg who survived the snap. you will be missed] _

“--definitely not normal,” Stephanie is saying about a carcass lying half-shredded just off the path. It looks like it was probably a raccoon, but now it looks like it went through a meat processor for about ten seconds before being saved, in vain. It’s been practically torn apart, but there’s no sign of anything actually being gone or eaten away. It also looks alarmingly fresh.

“I don’t like this,” Tim says; Jason pans up to his face, and Tim gives the camera an exhausted glance before Jason zooms in on Jim’s horrified expression.

“This is just  _ screaming _ for us to leave,” he says.

“Nah,” Jason says, “when bodies start showing up that’s how you know the fun is starting.”

“You and I categorize fun very very differently.”

“Maybe--” Tim starts as the video cuts.

===

_ [luckily no more bodies but i don’t think these are normal] _

A still frame of a set of bloody chicken prints in the dirt, along with several blood droplets. The edge of one of Jim’s Timberland boots is just barely visible in the upper right corner. 

===

_ [DFGTYYKJHGFDFDRTYG] _

The video opens to the camera bouncing in time to Jason running, the footage trained on the ground as he sprints up the path. 

“I did a big fucky-wucky!” He flips the camera up to the underside of his chin; he’s still sprinting. “I did a fucking huge fucky-wucky! Time to get in the forever box! FUUUUUUH--”

Behind him, something lets out an inhuman screech, and Jason screams as the video cuts out.

===

_ [oh my fucking god it’s real yall im] _

Jason’s camera trains in on Jim, Tim, and Stephanie, who are huddled behind a huge rock. Something out of the shot is huffing loudly, and Jason shifts the camera to peer around the rock.

Pacing in the clearing is a huge grey creature, about the size of a very large man with a pair of wings stretching across its front limbs. A huge, double-ended crest rises from its skull, like horns, and a curved muzzle and sharp teeth. Its eyes are black and beady, and it’s letting out repeated rumbling growls. Soft tufts of feathers plume from its head.

“Oh my God,” Jim whispers in the background. “Oh my God, this is insane.”

The creature warbles and turns its head, and the camera retreats behind a rock.

“What the fuck,” Stephanie hisses. “We’re in broad fucking daylight--”

“Oh my God,” Tim whispers, “we have to recruit it.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not,” Jim says.

===

_ [b r o] _

A still frame of Jim, seemingly in the process of loading his Glock.

===

_ [life finds a way] _

Jim has his gun aimed in the air, looking extremely nervous. Tim and Stephanie are clutching each other somewhat dramatically, staring up at Jim’s gun. 

“He’s gonna fire a blank,” Jason whispers.

Jim does. The creature shrieks beyond the rock, then the camera focuses on the creature taking off and flying in the opposite direction. The second it’s out of sight, Jason zooms in slowly on Jim’s horrified face. Jim then turns to the camera.

“We’re leaving,” he says ferociously. “Right fucking now.”

===

_ [jim has the braincell] _

They’re all half-running, half marching through the darkening woods; Jim is clearly in the middle of giving a rant about self-restraint.

“--I understand wanting to go cryptid hunting, but by God, if you had actually gotten us killed--”

“We didn’t know we were  _ gonna find it! _ ” Tim shouts, running a bit faster to catch up with Jim. “Look, it was literally just for a meme--”   


“That  _ meme _ could have killed us! You saw what it did to that raccoon!”

“It was a  _ raccoon-- _ ”

===

_ [IT FOUND US AGAIN] _

Jason and Stephanie are screaming as they run; behind them, the creature screeches. Up ahead, the camera pans to Jim and Tim, who are sprinting silently and with a violent vengeance.

===

_ [holy fucking shit this idiot is my brother]  _

The creature is hanging from a tree, regarding them like it’s considering whether to attack or run away. Tim is approaching it slowly, cautiously, and stops several yards away.

“I’m here to talk about the Avengers Initiative,” Tim says, and the creature spreads its wings and screeches. Tim shrieks and takes off, and the rest are quick to follow.

“I regret this more than you will ever imagine!” Jim shouts as they sprint away. 

“You and us both!” Stephanie screams.

===

_ [WE ESCAPED AND WE ARE NEVER FUCKING COMING BACK] _

It’s a shot of the window of Jim’s car; three hands are flipping off the Pinelands National Preserve sign. 

===

_ [nosh stop part two] _

Jim is shaking his head over what looks like a cup of coffee in what appears to be the same diner as before. “I swear to God, the only reason we survived that was because I just so happened to have my gun on me. It we didn’t, we’d be mincemeat by now.”

Jason pans to Tim, who’s scrolling through his phone with a determined look in his eye. When he looks up, his face is set and rock-steady. 

“Look,” he says, shoving his phone under Jim’s nose. “See, no one has ever been reportedly killed by the Jersey Devil.”

“ _ Reportedly, _ ” Jim bites out. “That thing was beyond human comprehension. I don’t trust it.”

“I can’t believe you tried to recruit it--” Stephanie starts.

“Hey, don’t insult Mothman’s datemate,” Jason says, “it’s not cool.” He then has the satisfaction of zooming in on Stephanie’s annoyed expression. 

===

_ [at least we get some fire tunes on the way home] _

Jason is in the front seat this time; the radio is blasting “Don’t Stop Me Now.” He’s filming on the selfie setting; Stephanie and Tim are going ham with some makeshift dance moves in the backseat. When Jason turns the camera to Jim, he has a hand over his mouth and is staring straight ahead out the windshield. 

“I’m too old for this shit,” he says, and Jason starts cackling as the video cuts.

===

_ [SOUVENIR] _

They’re back at Jim’s house; Tim is on his kitchen counter, holding up what looks like a huge, curved tooth. His face can best be described as one of total shock. Stephanie is dabbing in the background. Jim is nowhere to be seen.

===

_ [jim ratted on us and called b] _

All four of them are in Jim’s living room. Jim’s phone is on the coffee table, the screen lit up with the contact name “Mr. Wanye.” It’s unsure whether it’s spelled wrong unironically or not.

“You guys  _ actually _ found the Jersey Devil?” Bruce is saying.

“It looked like a dinosaur, actually,” Stephanie replies. “One of those flying ones--”

“A pterosaur?”

  
  
“Yeah, one of those.”

Bruce is quiet for a moment before finally speaking: “What did it look like?”

  
  
“You’re concerned about what it looked like and not the fact that we could have been  _ killed?!” _ Jim yells at the phone. Tim starts laughing.

“You  _ didn’t _ die, though,” Bruce exclaims, “and the Jersey Devil is a fucking dinosaur. Of course I’m asking what it looked like.”

“Dude, you have  _ issues _ ,” Jim yells, a bit more pointedly.

“We are  _ well _ past that,” Bruce replies, and all three kids start scream-laughing. Jim throws his hands up in annoyance and resignment.

===

_ [when your dad is a geeeeeeeeek] _

“--probably some kind of thalassodromeus,” Bruce is saying through the phone.

“Say that again in English,” Stephanie says. Jim is lying across his couch, staring dead-eyed at the ceiling. Tim and Stephanie are both leaning over the phone, seemingly fascinated.

“It’s a thalassodromeus,” Bruce repeats, a bit slower. “They had a huge double crest and a wingspan of about three times the length of their body.”

“Bruh,” Tim says.

“What did they eat?” Jason ask-yells.

“Usually smaller animals. Scientists think their primary prey was--”   
  


“Could it have eaten us?!” Jim shouts.

“I mean, probably.”

  
  
Jim buries his face in a pillow and screams into it.

“Is Jim okay?” Bruce asks.

“When is he ever?” Stephanie answers.

“Fair.”

===

_ [homie needed some validation after that trauma so this is happening now] _

All three of the kids and Jim are on his sofa, cuddled under a huge blanket. Stephanie’s head is on Jim’s shoulder, Tim’s head in his lap. Jason is leaning his head against Jim’s side. They look comfortable and safe; Jason has also taken the liberty to add a flowery filter over the image.

===

_ [we gone] _

“Jim,” Jason says, angling the camera up to Jim.

“What.”

“Say goodbye.”

“Adios,” Stephanie says, giving the camera a salute.

“Eh-heh, bye bitch,” Tim says, raising his hand in a peace sign.

“Jim?”

  
Jim stares at the camera down for a moment before glaring. “Get that shit the  _ fuck _ out of my face,” he says, and the video cuts as the kids all scream laugh once again. 


End file.
